Disambiguation

I haven't posted here in a while, and tonight while I'm sick and can't sleep, I felt a topic come to my mind that I normally try to avoid.

Everyone has their moments of regret in life; I am no different from that perspective, and tonight I want to open up to a personal regret in the hopes that I could persuade you the reader, to do the opposite of what I did. At all cost.

In less than 9 months, I'll be getting married to the missing half of my heart and world. And I'm incredible excited to share a life with her, and get into all the challenges that come with a life-long commitment. My regret is that I won't be able to give her a small piece of myself, because it was broken off and lost a few years back, and its my fault.

Before my soon to be wife, I dated another girl; and at the time, she meant everything to me. So much so that not long after dating her, I opened up completely vulnerable, and (quite bluntly) had sex with her. It was my first time; she had dated several boys before me, and it wasn't her first time.

Less than two years later, with a prolonged and exhausting disagreement, we broke up, and my world had shattered violently. A friend of mine would go on to date her following our breakup, and subsequently I lost not only a girlfriend that I thought was my other half, but a friend I thought was a friend.

I'm not looking for a pity party here; but my point is that it hurt because I had mistakenly become vulnerable to the wrong person, and gave up something special that I can't regain and give to my wife; that first time.

I know the world view is to say well its just 'sex', humans being human. Its also propitiated that having sex early in a relationship before commitment is alright, and commitment first is old-fashioned and prudish. I mean how will you know if your partner and you will be 'compatible' right?

But the problem with this theory is that sex, while fun and entertaining, doesn't stand the test of time. You never hear of couples remaining married for 50+ years because of 'great sex' and if that is the basis for your belief right now, you're in for a shock. You see, not only is commitment a better building block (foundation if you will), but sex, while important, is only a secondary material in a relationship.

You think your not compatible with someone and want to have sex to find out if you are? That theory is kinda silly; ever hear that "practice makes perfect"? Yea you can practice all you want after your committed.

The other problem with having sex with someone, is that if you open yourself completely up as I did, you find yourself forging a deep connection with someone the more you are sexually active. I heard somewhere that 'having sex is not simply a bodily connection, its like having sex with the other person's soul'. That is so true. Its an intimate moment; even if you go into a relationship without being completely vulnerable, having sex will increase your connection with a person over the long run.

I'm saying all this to implore you readers; if your still virgins...keep it that way. Don't give into world pressure, peer pressure, or coolness factor. Don't give it to anyone but someone who is willing to put their life on the line for you, to commit deeply to you, and be vulnerable with you. Because if you do give it away thoughtlessly, you'll find yourself in my position: trying to forget that 'first time' and feeling shame and regret over it; a lost piece of yourself.


I wish I had been smarter; I've managed to forget all my connections with my 'ex' but a few hazy pieces remain; and unfortunately the memory of that first time still burns...it should have been my wife, and I'll be left wondering what if I had stayed a virgin and been able to share in that "first time" when we are finally married.


Instead I now am assailed by doubts and fears; wondering if my future wife will resent me, if she will think I'm comparing my experience; assaulted by guilt of a late night in a dingy parking lot. All knowing it was my fault, my decision.

What makes it worse, is I've unintentionally hurt my future bride. I've had to be honest with her over this not so great regret; and it hurt her when she first heard about it; because she'd been waiting for her 'first time'. If only I had seen this coming.

Don't be me; its not worth it. Don't have that "what if" regret. You can try to relearn innocence, and allow hurts to heal, but the scars will remain forever and you can never have a second shot at that kind of beginning. 

But if you're like me, don't despair either. Yea you can't start over; but there is forgiveness, and a relearning of innocence. I'm there, I should know. Even though I have my regrets, I still have hope, and I will still share something special and unique with my future bride.

You may wonder why I'm making a big deal out of it, but its important, its a special part of you; you don't want multiple deep connections with people you've been with in the past. Nobody wants to remember their ex-whatever. Its a special world for two, no more.

My hope is you'll take something away from this, if nothing else. I don't open up memories like these just for fun; this is something that I think many young people are wondering and dealing with, and I want to share my experience and clarify the sometimes murkiness of this kind of stuff.